


Too Hot For Tumblr

by InterNutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Hawkeye initiative, It's PG I swear, Pervy Anime Tropes, too hot for Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 08:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20703077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: Dualityandsuch/Lampersands decided to give Magnus Burnsides the Hawkeye Initiative treatment with Pervy Anime tropes, and I, being a fiend of the worst quality, decided to egg her on by publishing ficcage to go with. Everyone keeps some clothing on and it's all PG with hints in the vague direction of sexytimes. More double-entendre and what people might be thinking than actual action.Rating just in case.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Adventure Zone in general and the Balance Arc in particular belong solely to those delightful McElboys. We just play with things too hard

There was a Spa on the moon. The place was called Paradise and Taako already had five stamps on his third Frequent Customer card. Magnus knew this because it was what Taako slipped him after Magnus threw his back out on one of Carey’s permanently-changing agility testing obstacle courses.

“You’re getting old, Humanman,” said the Elf wizard. “Go to this place and ask for The Works. They’ll sort you out.”

Magnus had passed by the place once or twice, and he knew Taako had been in there because of the censorable noises that leaked out over the meditation music. That was the reason why he was turning vermillion as he walked into the door.

The beautiful Sea Elf behind the counter didn’t help. Nor did her knowing smile. Elven puberty had apparently blessed her with more endowments than was usual for elven females, and Magnus battled to look her in the eye.

“You must be one of Taako’s friends,” she said. Her nametag (don’t look lower, don’t look lower, don’t look-- crap!) declared her to be La’Ming. “We’ve been dying to know. What’d he recommend?”

Three blushes shy of spontaneous human combustion, Magnus mumbled, “HesaidIshouldaskfortheworks...”

She gave him a knowing and highly assessing look. “Threw your back out, huh? Okay. The Works starts with a hot shower and an hour in the steam baths, followed by a rub-down and some chiropractic readjustment; then an all-over shiatsu massage and an option for a tea soak.” She levelled a patient glare at him. “Despite what everyone’s overheard, this is a respectable establishment and there aren’t any -ah- ‘happy endings’.”

Magnus felt like he was breathing air for the first time. At least until he found out about the itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny little shorts that customers were told to wear inside the establishment. They did _not_ leave much to the imagination. There were robes, but Magnus got the feeling that only newbies hid inside them between sessions.

Well, he was a newbie and he hid inside the voluminous terry-towelling on his way between the showers and the steam enclosure. It was a relatively small space, but hot and steamy enough to get him to shed the robe and then relax about it. In fact, he’d almost dropped off to sleep when La’Ming fetched him for the massage table.

Where “a rub-down” apparently meant “turn every single muscle into happy jelly.”

Only Julia had ever been able to make him moan like that before.

Following that, La’Ming straddled him to put her full weight behind his mis-aligned spine. Magnus spontaneously turned into a pillow-biter, uncaring about the X-rated noises than La’Ming managed to professionally punish out of him.

It had to be doing him good. It hurt and stung in all the right way.

Every pore was simultaneously singing and stinging by the time she was done. Magnus felt like a happily-grunting mass of pins and needles.

“Want to opt in on that tea soak?”

“...mmm’kay,” he managed, and regretted trying to move.

It took two burlier staffers to assist him to the tea baths, where he was very grateful for the head-rest that stopped him sliding wholesale into the warm, perfumed pool. When he woke, Taako was neck-deep in there and smirking like a viper.

“Told you it was good,” said the Elf.


	2. Chapter 2

It was supposed to be a normal midsummer faire on the moon. If those words could be strung together in that order and still contain the word ‘normal’. For all that they were hundreds of feet above the surface of Faerun, the faire itself was as normal as it could be. There was slightly more magic use than down on the surface, but that’s what happened when you had a concentrated population of nerds.

There was also way more popular culture references in the costumes on parade. La’Ming was dressed as a vampire, with only a few details to indicate which one she was dressed as. She could spot Taako -one of her regulars at the Paradise Day Spa- dressed as Chief Justicer Ito, and Magnus Burnsides was--

Oh gods, no.

He had clearly stolen one of Taako’s outfits. Some of the seams had popped and the surviving fabric would never be the same again. On Taako, it offered flirting glimpses of his physique. On Magnus...

That was a deep cut.

She was staring. She knew she was staring. She couldn’t stop staring. There was just... so... much... chest. Right out there in the open and covered with an absolute pelt of chest hair.

He came right up to her.

“I’m Taako! G-- UUURRGHH...”

Thank the gods he walked away. Almost. Most of his ass was hanging out the other end. Just as furry as his front side.

Yikes. Yikes-a-roonie.

La’Ming made a concerted effort to stay the living fuck away from Tres Horny Bois for the rest of the day.


End file.
